acids

So, here it is. My story. I’ve wanted it to get all out on paper for some time now, but I’m finally doing part of it. So, it all started sophomore year… Right around the homecoming dance, to be exact. I went with this guy I had known all my life, and I wanted to try and flirt my way into him liking me back.. even though I knew he had a girlfriend. There was a lot of grinding at the dance, not even a surprise, and I grinded with my best friend, Cheyenne, and other girls there as well as my date, Mike. I think this was my first true experience of being attracted to a girl. I think part of me has always liked girls, but that’s another story for another time. Anyway, this was when I was figuring out I was bisexual, and that I had a crush on Cheyenne. I was a stupid 10th grader who loved attention, so I told my other best friend, Kaitlyn. She ended up telling multiple people, I found out later, but I can’t really say anything about that, because it was 10th grade and we were stupid.

I’ll admit, I was looking for attention this time around, but for a real reason. I wanted to die, even back then. I just needed a way out. So, I just started spewing shit out my ass about how abusive my parents were. My mom and dad were kind of abusive, but not as much as I had lead on. I was telling this to Cheyenne and Kaitlyn, and they were listening to me and trying to help me. They knew I was feeling suicidal, and that was the main thing. This was right after Halloween. That Friday, I was called to the office in my 5th period class. I simply ignored the note and went on as normal. In 6th period, I received another note demanding I come down there at once. I honestly don’t know why, but at the time I had no idea what they wanted me there for. Then I realized as soon as I got there…they panicked and ended up telling my school counselor, Lisa. She asked about my parents and why I felt suicidal, and it honestly wasn’t very helpful. She had to get in touch with CPS and have a social worker talk to me and talk to my dad. And then I realized, I could have gotten help without lying to everyone about how bad my parents really were.. My dad and mom were of course upset, but moreso the fact that I lied than being suicidal. So, I started seeing my childhood therapist, Tara, regularly.

After this, I first started experimenting with cutting, starving myself, and Adderall. I have ADD, so Adderall doesn’t affect me as much as it does for non-ADD people. I doubled and even tripled the amount of pills sometimes to get a rush, to try and be happier. I remember Kaitlyn telling me she had cut herself, because she was suicidal at the time, as well, and she was getting really bad with it.. I wasn’t wanting to copy her, but I was curious as to what would happen if I cut myself. So I used a pair of sewing scissors and made a few pathetic cuts. Not even any blood. There was a rush that went along with it, and it wasn’t long before I had drawn blood from my wrist. I never ate anything, the most I had each day was an Arizona iced tea. That lasted for 2 weeks. I was starting to feel dizzy and weak. Meanwhile, Cheyenne and Kaitlyn knew about all of this. Of course I didn’t listen to them when they told me to stop, but looking back, I was being very immature about it. I wanted somebody to worry about me. I wanted someone to care. I wanted to get closer to Cheyenne, so maybe she could fall in love with me and fix my broken heart. I took it all like a joke. I just didn’t care. I liked having them worry about me and tell me they couldn’t sleep some nights, because they were up thinking about me. I was truly fucked up from the start. I didn’t even mean to be like that.

From the start, I lied to Tara about the cutting, the pills, and starving myself. I also never made any mention of thinking I was bisexual. I didn’t trust Tara very much and talking to her wasn’t helping me. All we ever talked about was my relationship with my mom, me having problems with friends, and school. I knew it wasn’t helping me with my real problems, but I kept going.. mostly because I wanted my parents and Cheyenne and Kaitlyn to stop worrying about me. Kaitlyn, Cheyenne, and I had a lot of ups and downs. Mostly downs. It got really ugly sometimes, mostly with Kaitlyn. We fought constantly and all of her friends started hating me and blamed me for her being suicidal and not sleeping. Even to this day, some of those friends still don’t like me. Soon it was summer time, and Cheyenne and Kaitlyn promised me that we would hang out all the time and they would still be there for me over the summer. Only one of them held true to their promise. Cheyenne dropped me from her life and went on ignoring me all summer, and through the whole year of 11th grade. Kaitlyn, however, stayed in my life. We were fighting less and less and learning to forget our mistakes, and that we were changing this year to me more mature.

I still saw Tara once a month, and I had stopped cutting and double-dosing on Adderall. I stopped eating some weeks, only drinking that Arizona tea. But that didn’t happen very often. So, junior year started, and I really can’t even remember much of 1st semester. I remember starting to hang out with my friends Sam, Carol-Ann, and Jazmin more often. Come to find out, Kaitlyn had told all of them about me being bisexual. She also had told Cheyenne, and quite a few other people. I didn’t trust her much after finding out exactly how many people she told. Then one day in January, Sam says that she and I need to have a ‘talk’. I had no idea what was happening. We texted that night and she told me she’s a lesbian. I hadn’t met any other lesbians before, and I knew I preferred girls over guys by far. I started to wonder.. maybe I’m a lesbian, too? Guys made me uncomfortable and gross. She was the very first person I told when I came to the conclusion that I’m a lesbian.

The next person I told was my mom.

It was hard for her to wrap her head around, but she said she had always known. Anyway, second semester started and I started my creative writing class. I knew I was going to love this class, because I could finally find a way to channel my anger and depression in a way that didn’t involve me hurting myself. In this class I met two girls, Serena and Hannah, and we became fast friends. I noticed throughout the semester that I had a special interest in Serena. Being around her made me happy and I always looked for her and hoped she would be there. At first, I thought she was just my favorite between her and Hannah. School ended and the last day, I spent with Serena and Hannah at my house. We watched movies and ate all kinds of junk food and played monopoly. That night, when we all went to sleep in my queen sized bed, I wasn’t even thinking about Serena. I woke up really early and saw her sleeping next to me, huddled close, and I liked that. We hung out all that day, too, and ended up spending the night at Hannah’s house, playing Call of Duty and using a ouija board. When we went to bed, Serena and I cuddled. Full on spooning. That’s when it hit me hard, that I had a crush on her. Neither of us addressed it, and neither her nor Hannah knew I was a lesbian. We held hands and cuddled a lot, and that was that.

The three of us became inseparable over the summer. We spent basically every day of the summer together, minus the 2 weeks that I went to Nashville and Michigan in August. I think about two weeks or so into summer, I realized that I needed to tell them I’m a lesbian. They always talked about guys and I played along, they always asked me who my celebrity crushes were, they asked me if I’d ever kissed a boy. One night, we all just talked, when Serena brought up her lesbian sister, though I can’t remember why. Hannah curiously asked about her sister and her sister’s girlfriend, and what they were like together. Serena then told us she had liked a girl, Selena, and it was a one-time thing. This made me very hopeful and I led myself to believe it would become a two-time thing, with me. I kind of zoned out of the conversation and then Hannah asked me if I would ever kiss a girl. I didn’t realize the topic would come up so fast, so I was like, “I don’t know..” and then I just (literally) came out and told them. They asked me who I liked, and I said no-one. Fast-forward to the 4th of July. Serena asked me who I liked, in private. I told her it was a secret, and just from hearing that, she knew I liked her. She said she was flattered, but that I should move on. I don’t know why that hurt me so bad… She was only trying to protect me from getting my heart broken, again. I still persisted and hoped I could change her mind, and we still cuddled sometimes. Then Hannah went to Serena and said she feels left out. Long story short, Hannah liked me and was jealous of how touchy-feely Serena and I were. As the summer ended, we kind of went off in different directions, but Hannah and I stayed close (kind of). At last, senior year… I’ll continue this later.